


Testify

by vials



Category: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011), Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - John Le Carré
Genre: M/M, Missing Scene, this isn't happy but then again what did you expect from these two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 18:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8763970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vials/pseuds/vials
Summary: "Tell me, did Jim come to see you before he left on that Testify mission?"
  "Yes, he did, as a matter of fact."  "To say what?"  For a long, long while Haydon hesitated, then did not answer. But the answer was written there all the same, in the sudden emptying of his eyes, in the shadow of guilt that crossed his thin face. He came to warn you, Smiley thought; because he loved you. To warn you; just as he came to tell me that Control was mad, but couldn't find me because I was in Berlin. Jim was watching your back for you right till the end.What did Jim and Bill say that night? And, perhaps more importantly, what did they not say?





	

“I thought that knock sounded strange.”

The light from the kitchen spilled out into the grass at the back of the house, but strangely not as far as Bill would have expected. Not that it mattered; Jim was huddled on the back step as though it were lashing rain outside, rather than the stillness that was almost claustrophobic.

“I always use the same one,” Jim said, leaning back slightly so he tilted off the step, readjusting his position again, shifting from foot to foot. Bill was curious, but like hell he was going to admit that yet.

“Usually on the front door.” Bill tapped the glass. “This one sounds different.”

“Maybe I fancied a change.”

“Or maybe you’re hoping no one will notice you if you come in this way.”

“So you _are_ going to invite me in?”

“I never said that,” Bill said, but he smiled and moved to the side, allowing Jim to dart into the room as though he feared the step would vanish from under him if he lingered too long. Bill studied him for a moment, trying to place what was written all over his friend’s body language. He would have guessed nervousness, if he thought that Jim was the kind of person to ever be nervous, which left him with agitation. 

“Something has happened,” he said, grabbing two small glasses and bringing them over to where he kept his substantial amount of alcohol. He had a feeling they were both going to need it.

“Not yet,” Jim said, taking the glass with much enthusiasm when it was offered to him.

“Something is _going_ to happen,” Bill suggested. Jim nodded, but didn’t elaborate. “And you’re not allowed to tell me about it.”

“It would get us both into a lot of trouble if I did,” Jim said, taking a long sip of his drink. He swallowed slowly, before shaking his head and laughing. “Christ. Control’s lost it.”

“That’s hardly news,” Bill said, smiling over the top of his glass. “If that was supposed to be a clue, you need to be far more specific.”

“Not a clue,” Jim said, swirling the liquid around and looking at it rather than Bill. “Just an observation.”

“So, if you can’t tell me anything,” Bill said, humming in thought. “I presume there’s a reason for that.”

He was hunting for answers, looking for clues in what Jim didn’t say rather than what he did, and he was certain Jim knew it. The fact that he answered at all was a surprise; what he said convinced Bill that whatever this something was, it was worth the dramatics. 

“There’s no way it wouldn’t get back to Control.”

Bill detected the slightest slump of Jim’s shoulders. _Christ_ , he thought. _Usually you don’t give away a damn thing_. He never had, not since they had first met all those years ago. It was all intentional, Bill knew – Jim would never let himself slip just because he was stressed – and perhaps even more unnerving was that fact that it was clearly designed for Bill to pick up on. 

Oh, he had picked up on it. He had picked up on the coded message, too – the unspoken words that were written between the lines, painstakingly hidden there with the intention that only Bill would find it.

 _It’s about you. Whatever this is, it’s about you_. And maybe, just maybe, with the way Jim looked at him then, his face slack and his knuckles slightly white against his glass, _please be careful_.

A sudden sinking feeling overcame him and Bill had to fight to keep hold of his own glass. He wanted to set it down on the counter, but he knew to do so would be an admission of guilt. He had no idea what Jim knew. He had no idea what Control knew. As surely as Jim’s actions had lead Bill to his conclusion, he could lead them to theirs. 

“He does have eyes everywhere, doesn’t he?” Bill said evenly, knowing that wasn’t what Jim heard. What he heard, of course, was _and that’s why you couldn’t just call?_ , and Jim nodded slowly.

“He does.”

Bill gave a thin smile, drained the last of his drink, and finally set the empty glass on the counter exactly how he would have done anyway.

“Nosy bastard,” he said, fondly, because that was what the situation called for. “You’re worried about it?”

“I think he’s out of his mind.”

“I’ve been hearing that a lot about him lately,” Bill said, nodding to the glass in Jim’s hand. As though only just realising it was there, Jim finished it off, but remained clutching it in a death grip. “Just do as he says, Jim. If he’s wrong, it’s no skin off your back.”

 _What if he’s wrong_? Bill was asking, and the look on Jim’s face said everything he needed to know. The sinking feeling returned, but this time, it didn’t go away. Bill’s head felt suddenly too heavy, a pulse of pain beginning at his temple. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. 

“I suppose not,” Jim said, and he was looking at him in that way again, that oddly open way that made Bill feel more exposed to Jim, even though he knew it should be the other way around. 

“It’s dangerous,” Bill said.

“It is.”

“Then I suppose I should tell you to be careful.”

They looked at one another for a long moment. Bill didn’t miss the way Jim tapped his nails ever so lightly against his glass, the slight tremor at his mouth. 

“Bill,” he began, but Bill shook his head.

“Don’t say anything you’ll regret.”

Jim nodded, and fell silent again.

There were a million things that Bill wanted to do, top of the list being to get on the phone to Control and ask him what the fuck he was playing at, to tell him that he didn’t have a bloody clue what was going on but he knew one thing for sure and that was that it didn’t have to involve Jim. He supposed this was the price he had to pay for getting away with it for so long – didn’t these things always come with a price? Make a deal with the devil and forfeit your soul? Bill supposed that was true in this case, if he accepted Karla as the devil and Jim as his soul. Standing in the too-bright kitchen, fighting the urge to shake, with Jim looking more and more like he was about to say something and fuck it up for the both of them, Bill could believe it.

“You took a risk coming here,” Bill eventually said, his voice sounding far too loud in the stillness that had come over them. “Especially considering what little you could tell me. The risk it might all be for nothing is never pleasant.”

“You don’t have to tell me that,” Jim replied, his voice now with a slight edge to it, and Bill knew he had received his message loud and clear – _thank you, but it’s too late. Whatever you want me to do, I can’t_.

“Be careful out there,” Bill told him, trying to inject a little of his usual flippancy into his smile. “I’d be very bored without you around.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing more than another crackpot mission,” Jim said, his voice too even, and Bill received his own message: _please tell me this isn’t true_. 

Bill looked at him for a long moment, and when he smiled again, he knew it was a poor excuse for one. He leaned back against the counter, holding Jim’s gaze.

“I love you,” he said, simply, and he saw the flash of pain on Jim’s face. The words Bill hadn’t spoken hung in the air with more weight than the words he had, because it wasn’t the first time Bill had said those three words but it was the first time he had ever told Jim he was sorry.

“I know,” Jim said, and his voice was the flattest Bill had ever heard it. He shifted, clearing his throat, and then seemed to come back to himself. He set the glass down on the side and rolled his shoulders; when he looked back at Bill, there was something that could be purpose present there. 

“You have your mission face on,” Bill said knowingly, and suddenly the atmosphere was shattered and it could have been any other night. Whatever secrets Bill was holding, he knew they were safe. He didn’t know why that just made him feel heavier yet.

“Lots to be done,” Jim said, stepping towards the door. “I’ll be on my way. No sense sneaking around if I’m just going to make myself at home.”

Bill smiled, that same one he knew Jim knew so well, tugging at one corner of his mouth. “Shame.”

There were so many things they could have said, but to do so would be a betrayal of the truce; instead they settled for their normal goodbye, and Bill stood in the doorway watching Jim vanish into the darkness of the garden and tried not to think about whether or not he would see him again. The chances were low, no matter what the outcome. He stood quite still until Jim vanished completely from view, his shadow thrown briefly long and then snapping out of sight, and Bill tried to let the thoughts go with him.


End file.
